I’m the next Kate Gosselin except I’ll have better hair.

And no children, of course.

Do you ever have days where you feel like you could be the star of a reality television show? Days were your life is just completely bizarre and you can’t really believe it’s real? Well, I do.

Today, I was doing what college students everywhere are doing this time of year. Laying around in sweat pants, trying to finish those last-minute term papers and study guides. I hadn’t put a bit of makeup on or fixed my hair. Instead, I was trying my hardest to become one with Karl Marx’s economic theories.

This part wouldn’t have made a good reality show. No way. It get’s much better, I promise.

Of course, my study time was interrupted several time by potty breaks for Justice. He’s suddenly had a few setbacks on potty training, causing the last few days to be extremely rough.

About 9:30 I took Justice out the front door. As we were walking down the steps, I looked back suddenly realizing that there was a bird flying into the slightly opened glass door. At first, I denied that it had happened… Surely I hadn’t seen a bird fly into my house, right?

Well, I returned into the casa and sure enough, there was a little bird flying around my kitchen/ living room area. I grabbed Justice, bringing him back into the house. How was I going to get this wild animal out of my house?!?

I immediately grabbed my Blackberry, dialing Colby’s number. “Honey, you need to come home right now- I just let a wild bird in the house!”

“What the hell!? Are you serious? How did you do that?” If he’s really going to marry me, he better get used to things like this. I keep life interesting.

“Nevermind about how. Just get home. I can’t get it out alone.”

“Marla, I have to empty the planter. I’ve have to do that plot tomorrow.” (Ignore the business about the plot. It’s just farmer-mubo-jumbo- completely useless to our story.) Just remember, I’m a corn widow… except I’m not married yet.

“Okay, whatever. I’ll see if Ashley (my sister) will come over and help me.”

Well, Ashley was too busy laying in bed at nine-thirty to drive two miles to help her sister who was in desperate need. Lazy ass.

Real Life

(A very real, unedited, crappy picture.)

At this point, I had a cat that was peering at the bird, a whining puppy, and everyone in the world refused to help me. I had been chasing the bird around the house, but it refused to fly back through the open door. I was in a sad, desperate shape. Suddenly, Justice suddenly took a giant poop right on the living room floor. I flipped out, screaming at the poor pup and taking him streight to his crate.

I called Colby back, except this time I was in the middle of a reality-show worthy freak out. I mean, I would have made Kate Gosselin look sweet. “You have got to come home right now and help me. I cannot get this bird out of this house.”

He began to make excuses, telling me to call Ashley, etc. It was the wrong thing to do. I was beyond mad, “Fine, I’ll just leave it in the house. Hell, Justice still craps everywhere so we might as well add a wild bird to the mix. It’s not like I have anything better to do then pick up poop. I’ll talk to you later. Bye.”

Colby suddenly realized that he needed to come home right away. My sanity and his house were both at risk. It was the first time that I have ever really flipped out on him. I mean, my face probably melted away while flame’s shot out of my ears. I was that mad.

We did eventually get the bird out of the house. Two people are always better than one when chasing a bird around. Luckily, I only had to clean bird shit off one wall in the house. Bonus points for me!

Please tell me about a bizarre, crazy thing that has happened to you. I need to read your stories to know that I’m not the only nut case in the world. Please.



Filed under Announcements, Photography, The Farm, Uncategorized

12 responses to “I’m the next Kate Gosselin except I’ll have better hair.

  1. Of course, at the moment I can think of nothing but I DO have days like that. Where everything seems to go wrong at the exact same time. I’m racking my brain trying to think of the last time I had a series of events like that, but since I am caring for two babies under age 1 today, I’m a little fried…
    So glad you got the bird out without too much mess!!

  2. i quite love the picture! hahaha

  3. I’m sorry Marla, but I laughed all the way through this. And poor Colby just got his first lesson in “real” male/female relationships. LOL

  4. thelumberjackswife

    I got one! I got one!

    Mine involves a bat on the outside of my house.

    Thanks for the laugh!!!!

  5. Little me let a chipmunk into the house. Quite intentionally. It involved a trail of peanuts and coaxing the thing to follow me.

    I’m fairly confident I thought I was going to domesticate it. My mother flipped.

    (You could also repeat this story with a raccoon, a squirrel, and a baby pig, and it would still be true. Farm livin, baby.)

  6. Oh my! A bird anywhere near me makes me want to scream and run into a bomb shelter. That’s because they target my head. Or my shoulder. They do not discriminate.
    In another house, my husband woke up one morning to find that a little bird was flitting around our kids’ room. I was out of town with them, or else I cannot imagine the hysteria that would have ensued. The kids probably would have been freaked out, too.
    He finally got it out, and figured out that it had come in through a crack in the TOP of one of the windows…we apparently had windows that went up and down. Good to know. I ended up washing everything that was washable in the room, including all the kids’ clothes in the closet and armoire-neither had a door. All the stuffed animals? Tossed in the machine. Bedding? Washed it all. I found little splats of poop here and there so I wasn’t taking any chances. Blech.
    I have been pooped on by a caterpillar, several birds, and a squirrel. I have been peed on by a turtle and a dog. Oh, babies have also pooped and peed on me, but I still like babies. Animals? Not so much.

  7. You’re making me feel better about being old – at least I don’t have to study anymore.

    Sorry about the bird, but hey, it made for a good blog post, right? And isn’t that what life is all about?

    BTW, your “Beware of Cute” post about killed me.

  8. Years ago my sister was visiting my parents with dad sitting in the kitchen with her 4 year old son. We saw a flash go by them and dad casually and slowly said, “Bird in the house”.

    Everyone went running in the kitchen and then my sister freaked out and screamed “BAT”. Which then scared her son to death because he thought since he had been told vampires didn’t exist, neither did bats.

    He started screaming, my sister keeps screaming, I keep trying to get her to shut up so she won’t scare him. The rest of us were trying to get something to throw over the crazy thing to get it out.

    My mom goes to get a broom in a converted back porch, the bat follows her and we shut her in the room with the bat. She finally knocks it down with the broom enough that we can sweep it out of the house.

    The entire time my sister and nephew were screaming and all us were running around, my brother-in-law just lays on the couch watching it all like it was a good movie or something.

    We still laugh about it 30 some odd years later.

  9. Just in case this every happens to you again, haha, make it as dark as possible in your house and then open the door. The bird will fly towards the light! I know this from experience!

    And pleeeeease. You’ve read my blog. I have SO had those days!

  10. Oh yeah, I’ve had days like that. Even though I’m not a youngster, this is the first relationship that I’ve lived with. After 20 some years of living alone, I have really struggled with living with another adult, and trusting him. After 8 months I’ve chilled out a lot but I remember super-freak out moments/days like that. His computer gadgets, parts, tools spread all over the house, taking up my space…mess everywhere. He didn’t clean up after the dogs, and then called to tell me he’d be late because he decided to take a new employee on a service call with him. The final straw was when he called and asked if a friend who was in town could stay with us overnight. I had never met the guy, and was completely freaked out. Messy house, guest room not ready… I said OK but I was mad. I vascilated between yelling at him and crying because my feelings were hurt. I felt like a total psycho-girlfriend even though I was right to be upset. Crazy day for sure! You are not the only one who has freak-out-reality-TV days….

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